main stream or what?

Usually, I’m not the ‘weak and insecure’-whining kind of type. (At least I try not to be) I’ve grown to know what I’ve got and to work that s*§/$. But sometimes you just have to let it go and accept the fact, that it is okay to feel bad. It is okay to be sad, vulnerable, insecure. Just like it’s okay to feel great, proud and confident. I believe that more people should embrace and cherish the whole range of feelings and not just a tiny part of it.

Every now and then I look in the mirror and pick every little thing that I do not like about it. My hips, my thighs, my height, my short legs, my bust, my cheeks, my nose. – And then I feel bad. – And then I get angry at myself because I feel bad about my body. – Because: who’s to say what’s pretty or not? – And five minutes after that I think that I’ve had the same body for over 20 years now and I haven’t done so bad (not only love-wise). So there must be something to it. – And then I think about all the things I love about my body. My hair, my lips, my height, my eyes, my hands, my waist, my bum. And then I think about the process I’ve just been through.

For many young creatures like me it’s hard to find yourself attractive enough to love and embrace yourself just the way you are. Media and society dictate who and what we should find attractive and if you’re not part of that scale I’m sorry but you’re out.

Really? That’s what we teach our praised “next generation” ? And to be clear, it’s definitely not only girls who struggle with this problem. Men are just as vulnerable as women but society forces them to be the “stronger” gender. Not to show emotion because that’s considered to be a sign of weakness. Complete BS.

When I was in highschool I always compared myself to other girls because I wanted to fit in. I wanted to fit in so bad I did some pretty stupid things just to at least look just like all the other girls. Back then I didn’t have anybody to tell me that I was stupid and insane. I didn’t have a person I could truly confide in with everything I was going through. Of course, my friends noticed some things, but no one really knew. I wanted to fit in those size 2 skinny jeans so bad I added an eating disorder to my list of stupid things I did in my life.

But who says THAT is the only way to be perceived as pretty?

Ever since that low point in my life (and yes, I know it sounds ridiculous since I’m only 20 years old) I swore to myself to never let anybody else again tell me how to feel about myself. Now, a few years later I still haven’t completely overcome that obstacle yet. I find myself to be in quite a dilemma. On the one hand I do want other people to find me cute and beautiful and on the other hand I couldn’t care less because I finally have a person by my side who loves me just the way I am.

So what now?

Change my diet, change my eating habits, change everything because everybody else is? NO. Big no from me. Not because everybody else is and definitely not because somebody else said so and definitely definitely not because skinny girls showing their bums on instagram get more likes than I do.

If I did change something about me or my body it would be just for my sake. To make me feel more like the me I want to be. To be happy again. To look in the mirror and say you did well and, to be grateful.

If I did change something about me or my body it would be at a pace I, and only I, feel comfortable with and not by following anybody else’s plan.

If I did change something about me or my body I would be very careful about it because I’ve done that and almost lost myself in the process.

Change can be good. It can be great. Change is inevitable. But change only as far so you still keep what makes you, you.